Eharmony No Matches
One of the questions that people most commonly email me is, 'What do you do when someone doesn't put up a picture?'
Some people don’t like eharmony for that very reason. They don’t like having someone else (a computer algorithm) decide if another profile is a suitable match for them. They don’t like waiting for new profiles, and they certainly don’t like days when no profiles arrive in their inbox. EHarmony has its problems that are inadvertently making it more difficult for you to get matches. For example, sometimes when people receive an email notification about you, your image is shown as an avatar, which makes it look like you haven’t completed your profile and/or uploaded an image.
Most of the time... it isn't a problem. Since I've been doing this, almost no women have had the guts to enter open communication without a photo. The vast majority of people who don't provide photos are 'window shoppers' who don't respond to questions.I've only had one recent exception. Our communication was interesting, to say the least.
Since I (of course) initiated, she wrote the first letter....
Subject: Hi
Message: Hi Scott,
I hope you're having a good weekend. Are you doing anything special for the long weekend? What do you like to do in your free time?
I'd love for you to tell me more about yourself. Have you always lived in ______? How/why did you decide to become a _____? Your first job sounds like a learning experience--how did you decide to move on? Are you pleased with your current job?
Have a great afternoon,
(Her name)
Well, I've clearly piqued her interest.
Right now, it's a matter of principle.
She wants me to write long essays describing myself, when she hasn't even provided a photo? Considering she lives 2 hours away?
That's just plain disrespectful, in my humble opinion.
But, it is, in a way, pretty funny. I don't know who she is, or even if she's for real... and she wants me to write a book for her, for just the faint glimmer of hope that I'll be able to meet her.
I can have a lot of fun with that.
It follows the same gist as my usual opening email, but centers the 'challenge' and 'questions' around her lack of a photo.
And, yes, I've adapted the punchline from Dave M. But he frequently writes about it in his free email list... so I don't think he'll mind seeing it here.
Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: Hi, _____! I've gotta run to join some friends, but I just wanted to touch base quickly. It's nice to be able to talk to each other (sort of) like normal people!
Anyway, you do seem like an interesting, dedicated, and intelligent woman. If you ARE a woman, that is. It's hard to tell, when you aren't providing photos...
Talk later!
- Scott
Ever the intrigued one, she wrote back hours later...
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: Hi Scott,
Let me assure you that I am definitely a woman! Sorry about not having a picture. It's a bit of a story, but I'm working on it.
Have a good evening,
(Her name)
Normally, I'd close at this point. It's clear that she's either so egotistic that she expects me to write books for her in exchange for little in return... or she's hiding something. But, I wanted to prepare this as a potential war story for the blog... so, I amplified the tension. And the joke.
Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: That's exactly what 'Talia' said.
Wait a minute...
She's intrigued. I've set the bar - if she wants to get to know me, she's got to show that she's not hiding something behind the lack of photo. And she's only earning dismissive one-liners until then... (In fact, I'm not even bothering to change subject lines.) But, undeterred, she tries again.
Subject: RE: Hi
Date: 05/28/07 06:44PM
Message: You have to share this story! Who is Talia and what happened? I'm on the edge of my chair!
Nice try... but until she starts sharing, she's getting more of the same...
(Yes, Talia is real, and it is a good story, but sharing it would be rewarding her bad behavior.)
Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: Cool. I've always wanted to know how to keep a cross-dresser in suspense...
A week passes. And, clearly, she's pretty stressed out, based on the multiple misspellings in this letter:
Subject: RE: Hi
Message: The one liners are really getting old. You have yet to answer any question I have asked and have used rude humor. Just for your information, I recently moved back to ______ because my father was diagnosed with lung cancer and most of my belongings are still in storage. Inbetween working and caring for him I've been building a life for myself and posting a picutre has not been my first priority. If you want to see a pictur of me, you can go to jdate. My user name is _________. Good luck to you.
Mystery solved. This is what she was hiding, and why she's having so much difficulty seeing outside of herself. I feel bad for her. But I also know that, until she's got her life in order... she's not ready for the kind of relationship that I want.
I didn't even look her photo up. Instead, I wrote this letter.
Yes, I went into 'lecture mode' a bit, which is not effective for 'pickup'. But this isn't about pickup anymore.
Sender: Scott
Subject: Sorry...
Message: I didn't realize what you must be going through right now. I still can't imagine what it's like for you. My prayers are with you during this difficult time.
When you're at a point in your life where talking to a guy isn't a burden, a little banter can be fun, and you can see that the photo itself was not the point... feel free to email me at ______.
Best of luck.
And I closed the match.
Sometimes, the victory isn't getting the girl. It's keeping yourself safe and sane... and holding out for what you want.